I had read once in “The Alchemist” that if you want something from heart, the whole universe conspires to get it for you. I summoned all my concentration and tried invoking gods to rid me of this meaningless meandering. Gods relented and pat came the flurries of snow to my rescue. I somehow concealed the glee and started explaining how fraught with dangers would it be drive on. She complied easily, which is never a good sign and bang came the vindication of my premonitions, The wipers refused to budge and the white snow never seemed darker. All my well-explained dangers started proving their gravity. In this hour of din and panic she pointed towards an auto service center just round the corner, all the while maintaining a veil of equanimity which was equally baffling.

     You just have to be in the same theatre as her to watch a horror movie to understand my surprise. After all, those shrieks and shrills are much more manageable on the screen than the seat next to you. And believe you me, those screeches are no less numbing for rest of the audience. Sometimes I wonder whether characters on the screen get affected as well. Nonetheless, I pulled out the car in the front-yard of that service center and heaved a sigh of relief which lasted for a nano second as I glanced around. I just could not believe the enormity of my misfortune.

      Just in front was a sprawling shopping mall assuming most of the vast expanse lying there. The sight of this evil structure explained her mother-teresque composure in the time of crisis when I was going berserk. I had no choice but to trudge through that temple of better half of humanity when I instead longed to sit for a quiet coffee on this stormy day. The glint in her eye was becoming even more devilish. I tried not to think about the ordeal that I was going to be subjected to.

     We walked till eternity in that jungle of apparels, shoes and other articles of desire. I calculated and inaudibly muttered “Gandhi had walked half this distance in his famous DANDI MARCH”. She just turned towards me and complained about my glum look and I obliged her with a forced grin, which lasted one micro second. That was enough to turn her attention back to where it belonged, glittering jewelries and fashionable clothes. Adding to my woes, my advice was being solicited at each single of those articles. I have already devised a 2-1-2 formula as part of my evolutionary and survival instincts. 2-1-2 strategy is nothing but 2 positive nods-1 negative-nods and then again 2 positive nods. It has served me well enough so far, but I will have to throw in some logarithmic or exponential components in that magic formula pretty soon before she smells the rat.

    This excruciating shopping sojourn had already gone on for 4 hours spanning 10 and half shops. Every time an attire that caught her eye had to be matched with right earring  only to be found  at the far end of the mall, which then fatefully fell out of synch with her entire existing 520-strong collection of shoes. That elusive pair was not available in that mammoth shop at all. And I thought that gigantic shop was meant even for jet planes, such a tiny imagination huh. Nonetheless the simple harmonic motion down the shopping alley continued forever. I reiterated my plea for a coffee that she had promised 3 hours back would be entertained once “Devil has worn Prada” .

      While sipping the coffee, she kept talking animatedly about the sinister plans she had for subsequent hours. Frightened, I tried sipping coffee in so miniscule amount that sometimes only smell could make it’s way through the nostrils. The cup of coffee seemed like a sand clock before apocalypse. I had once again only that dreaded “alchemist” to take refuge to. I brushed aside my atheistic convictions  and prayed hard to god with a special plea for not to confuse the message this time around as he did last time. I also asked him to be a li’l prompt in addressing my concern as my coffee was nearing it’s end, moreover his earnestness-ala-Indian police was no solace either.

     Surprisingly almighty responded in a flash and also intimated me that last message had been accidentally received by goddess “LAXMI” who had herself decreed shopping to be a divine exercise and hence my plight. I sighed and tried hard not be antagonistic towards her highness. The call was from the service center, which sounded like music to my ears, soon, I was in my elements and at excusing best while persuading her to postpone the fantastic shopping binge and move towards much more mundane act of driving back. She relented, but not before unleashing her designs of going to a mall next day that she had googled recently and which lay across this snow bound county. She decided, it was going to be more wonderful experience and easier as well since wiper has already been fixed.

I know, I won’t live to see another day after having vented my anguish in the innocuous manner above, but even as I sit grief-stricken in the anticipation of gallows  my heart goes out to all who have been  MALL-ed to death.

Soon-to-be-posthumously yours

Saurabh